Torn apart...

Hey Champ..

Have you ever been in a situation where you have to make a choice between two great opportunities and yet you can't even decide 'coz you know only weighing the pros and cons while in the end they score the same? Moreover, you are forced to take immediate actions since you have time limit. Nonetheless, you got an advice from a friend who could see things, providing you help in making the decision, yet you still don't know what to decide.

Mr. B (if you can recall from my previous story titled "Pleaded: Guilty") today during a meeting break told me that; in making such decision, I've got to be able to answer his question first "What is your objective in life? What is your dream?" He said that I gotta have to find my own dream and try to make it true before it's too late when I realize that I'm actually not living my dream. Sounds cliche, uh? Not really though. It really hit me really hard. He then shared that he failed to follow his dream to be a fisherman in Japan and that somehow he regretted it. He believed that in his previous life he was a fisherman, which what he should had been continue doing now.

He told me that every person actually already has a dream deep inside himself, only one needs to find it and aim to live it. He pointed at one spot faraway from where we stand at the 27th floor and said that, "you may want to reach that spot right there, but, you gotta decide which way you wanna go, 'coz as you can see from down below, there are so many ways you can take which in the end lead to that very spot."

Yes, I haven't been able to answer his very first two question up until now. In my resume, I always write that my objective is to contribute to the company as much as I can and gain experiences as many as I can for my future. But I believe it's no longer valid for my situation: a person who almost graduate from his university and start building his future. Yes, how do I wanna see in myself in 5-10 years from now? What is my ultimate dream? What do I wanna do in reaching that dream? I can't only work here and there every once in a while.. I gotta start to think wisely and step on a stable surface for my better future...

Meanwhile, I'm still facing my daily-simple-troubles-but-when-you-pile-it-up-it's-gonna-explode-your-head-as-if-you're-having-one-huge,serious-problem. Yes.. to start with, my current freelance work is being prolonged for two weeks. For this, I gotta handle job desc. from my two other colleagues since my boz could only afford prolonging one person and the only person available is me. I'm not saying I don't want it, I just wish I get a better compensation other than only being paid (hahaha.. greedy me.. can I be blamed for that? I don't think so. It's my prerogative. No? LoL).

Furthermore, I need to prepare documents to make a new passport since I'm having a trip outside Indonesia in one week and my deadline to extend my passport would be today. I didn't realize my passport is going to expired in one month. Gosh... who would pay attention to passport's expiry date when you don't travel abroad that often? Gosh... I'm so thankful to my colleague's network that she's able to find someone in the business who could help me renew my passport without much hassle.

One more thing, I gotta clear all my belongings from my wardrobe/closet/drawer/cabinet since the carpenters are going to knock it down and turn it into a new wardrobe and bed frame. The pressure is, by the time I leave the house in the morning, it has to be empty. Sigh.. if only I was given this information few days ago or at least early this week instead of at 10.30 PM this night, I won't be so bad tempered in handling the task.

I was soooooooo much troubled and tired with all my problems that I grew unhappy. When I'm unhappy, I eat alot. I ate more than usual this night. A piece of chicken thigh, 2 small pieces of boiled chicken breast fillet, a piece of small fish, with a small bowl of traditional chilli sauce. To topped it off, since I'm still stressed and unhappy, I ate a place of rice (can u imagine? eating rice at 11 PM?) with soy sauce and looooootttsssssss of fried onions.... (hhhhhhaaaaaahhhhhh.... here, smell my breath... hahaha).

Sigh... very tired.. indeed, I am...

Gotta go now, Champ

you know I love you,

xoxo,

Cho

ps. junior consultant or business development? which one?

Working on Saturday... what the...

Hey Champ... it's me again...

It's hot out there
It's humid in my house
It's almost 1 PM
It's Saturday
and I have to work with my boz

Ga lee... what a way to spend my weekend. This week has been tough for me. I got a "D" attack for three days which made me unable to work out and when the "D" attack subdued, I was very much occupied at work until around 8, which by the time I got off the office building, I was so exhausted already that I couldn't even think to go to the gym.

Yeah... and last night after I and my the rest of the team worked until 10 PM, my boz asked me who could accompany to edit the so-called-presentation-we-are-preparing-for-mr.president on this very Saturday, on the-supposed-to-be-my-weekend-to-lazy-around, I couldn't refuse at all since my colleague has to attend graduation ceremony today while the other has to pay respect at a friend's funeral (the pilot of the recently crashed-airplane in Papua). That left me with no other option than obliged to the request of my superior...

I'm not complaining though, Champ... I'm just saying that I should've been able to enjoy my weekend to go working out, hanging out, and lazy-ing around at home while finding some time to clean and tidy up my room... Oh well.. gotta go now.. it's nearly 1... Ciao now...

you know I love you,

xoxo,

Cho

The Death & The Hope

The Death came by to risen a new Hope...

As they do, I'm attacked by diarrhea
(again, for the next time in my life that I remember)

Sigh... I hate this part,
the D* part...

An Unexpected Turnover

When your hope is high
And something happened
And your hope is spoiled,
You'll be hurt.

I've been expecting for my second internship so bad that I really postponed everything and prepare myself for that. In the end, the HR Department told the user that in order to maintain fairness among applicants and provide a wide chance for others, an intern may not be hired twice although he/she may extend their internship period. Moreover, while prolonging the period, he/she may not switch to other department.

To make thing even worse; when my going-to-be manager explained this to me, I was already working there half day. I could say nothing. The rules is there and nothing I could do about it. I can only say "okay" and "that's fine"

After digesting the whole words I heard, sitting in front of my friend whom-I-supposed-to-replace, I felt something.... It was like my heart went down to the very bottom of the earth the gravity could suck. Yeah... felt terrible... sad... down... disappointed. I didn't know, or perhaps I've forgotten, that disappointment felt that bad.

Yeah, that feeling affects the rest of my day, up until now... One thing I learn from this, I should never fully rely on human, never put my hopes too high, and never expect too much.

It hurts...
Oh yeah, it does...
Even more when you're already so close and still so far.

No inspiration

dear blog...

I have no inspiration to write these lately.. I'm even stucked on my campus papers... I dunno what to write and I have no desire to write... Thank God my System Thinking Journals will due in 2 weeks. Gosh, I have to prepare 5 journals for that...

I've been tired, mentally and physically.. I've been bored.. I'm exhausted, especially with this life. I wanna see new things... I wanna experience new stuffs... all in all, I need dynamic life instead of monotonous life.

geee....

I'm in the middle of my mid-term exams weeks. God Bless Me.... God Help Me, please.... I wanna do real good on the exams... I wanna improve my grades.

Sigh.....

How He (God) Did It?

Several days ago, I was gonna share many good things happened in my family under this title... How after a crisis my family could became together again, how we went out for a simple dinner on Valentine's Day, how we had dinner together on the Chinese New Year's Eve, how we went out for brunch with other relatives to celebrate Chinese New Year's, and how the situation was peaceful at home.

But... it has changed now. My mom's change is truly a temporary thing. It was such a miracle she asked apology to me for the sake of Dad that night... Sigh... My prediction was correct. The change is temporer only.

I don't know what's wrong with me or with her. I don't know who's fault is this. I've been trying very hard to do what everyone around me told me to do when I deal with mom: keep silent. Well, for some reason, I could keep silent and let her finish the nag whenever she wants. But, this lately she's been nagging over the border, and that's when I stop my silence. I couldn't handle it anymore. Wish I really left the house that night without prolonging my time to pack up things.

Everything she complaint to me was actually a simple thing that could be kept as simple as that. But, unfortunately, the way she delivers her complaints makes everything becomes extravagant, extraordinary, and extra-everything. Yep, I'm not over-reacting or make things sound hiperbole... it's true.

Everytime she got mad at me, she complaints about little things I didn't do. She blamed me for not helping (her) to do chores. She complaint that I couldn't return the favor of whatever things my parents initiatively did for me. Some other time she complaint that I can't be responsible for myself. Basically, she was saying that I don't have initiative, I'm irresponsible and that I don't care about my surrounding and my family. It sounds like I'm a monster who always creates troubles and triggers fight at home.

Now, I'm not the only child they have in their family, right? I fell I'm treated unfair here. I'm tired... tired with everything... the never-changing situation, the nags, the blames, the judgments... everything.

I think I have to take courage to make a BIG CHANGE.... I'm better and they're better when I'm away from them. Believe me. Unfortunately, I can't be on my own yet. I still depend on my dad. Maybe it's the time I move from my comfort zone and try to live independently, although maybe I'll have to live my life like crazy: working and studying. More unfortunately, it's very hard to find a part-time job, here, in Jakarta.... sigh...

Well... Let me try to figure things out, and I'll share everything later on... I just wonder... How He Did this to me....