This feeling I have...

It's hard when you have a feeling about something or for someone yet you can't express it out loud...

"I wanna know why you're happy
I wanna know is it me that you miss?
I wanna know how are you doing every day
I wanna know do I even have a space in your mind and your heart?

'Coz...

I'm happy everytime I see you
I miss you every second of my life
I'm not doing okay 'coz I can't get ahold of you, yet
You are always on my mind and in my heart"

I hate this feeling but I'm happy that I'm able to feel this after being empty for quite some time; but it's killing me that I always prefer to just stop dreaming, to stop hoping, to stop wondering...

You gave me wings and made me fly towards the seventh heaven, where I always hope that I could reach the bright, shining ★: you...

But, I can't stand the journey I'm going through. I think my wings are broken now. I can't fly no more and I don't want to struggle anymore...

Just let me fall... Before it hurts me badly... Just let me fall, with my eyes looking at you, my bright, shining ★, that when I finally land and close my eyes, you are the last beautiful scene that I will see and always remember...

A Sigh of Relieve, A Sign of Spoil or A State of Boredom?

Hey Champ...!!!

Two weeks ago I submitted my second-attempt thesis paper, although it was due two weeks before. I was not as excited as I felt when I submitted it the first time... however, I'm grateful that I could made it.

Tomorrow is my time to defense what I wrote, yet I don't care anymore about it. I haven't even prepare and retouch my slides up 'til this very moment. I don't give a d*mn about it at all. I don't care, I don't want to care, in fact, I would probably disappear tomorrow.

But, that would only happen in my dream. I realize I can't runaway anymore. I can't postpone and prolong what should be done. I should put this to an end, I should finish it and finish it gracefully. I can't wait to move on, I can't wait to see what's waiting on the other side. I've come this far, I've climbed this high, I've worked this hard... and I just want to wrap it with a memorable bow, not only for me but for everyone who has been involved emotionally (and unemotionally) and make everyone proud, especially The One up there...

My new chapter is waiting for me as soon as I end my study. I got the job that I've been involved in the process since four months ago. I remember how bad I wanted this job, I remember I kept thinking about the job every time I go to bed, I remember how I portray myself working for that title. After that so many interviews and trial and test, I got accepted four days ago.. However, I did not feel any joy nor excitement.... And I now realize that I could not be happy for being accepted on the job I've been pursuing because I still have one more task to finish, there's a homework for me to do and that would be tomorrow!!!

Earlier upon writing this to you, Champ, I went to pick up my laundry. The owner who I referred to as "Om" asked how I'm holding up with things in my life and my family... From the conversation I had this evening with him, I received a message that I should remember my God, pray and surrender to Him. Somehow, I finally felt the need to prepare and get everything ready for tomorrow.

I will prepare as best as I could, and will not worry or expect too much. I don't wanna be disappointed for the second time. This time, I should get my expected grade and proceed the convocation. I believe I would be very happy.. a very very happy person tomorrow... I just can't wait to move on. Many opportunities are waiting for me. Yeah..

I will pray, am praying and am surrendering everything to you My Lord, Jesus

Thanks for your time Champ, talk to you next time

you know I love you,

xoxo,

Cho

Continuing Life

Hey Champ... what's up?

Again, I'm still doing my habit of leaving you off my news for quite some time.. I'm sorry. It's just I haven't found any urge to write ANYTHING and there's no driver I could find to boost up my mood to write.

Don't worry though, you're not the only one I've been abandoned. I've also been abandoning my other writing task, although it's actually urgent and important since it relates with my future. But, yeah, when I'm stucked and clouded with hatred towards the cause of my prolonged task, I became neglectful about the task and all other chores and errands and turned into such a procrastinator. What a quality I have, eh Champ? *sarcastic mode: very OONNN...

However, I still need to finish the task (no matter what) and still have to put my best-est effort to get the best grade I could achieve. Well, starting today, I'm counting down the days, hours, minutes and seconds left before another submission. Friends and foes have heard about the detailed story on this prolonged task and I can't bear telling (and even writing) the story here. It's just too much. The bottom line is, I've become a legend (whether it's good or not, it depends on the angle the viewers chose to see), I broke a record and I set the bar high (to some people).

Anyway, life goes on, I gotta continue my life despite what's been happening with me. I dare to say that mostly, I learn through a hard way in every lesson of my life:

• learning that earning a degree is not as easy as how others (who are fortunate enough) earn it; HUGE rocks and DEEP holes might come in the way,
• learning that it is best not to mix friendship with business or any work-related task just out of feeling bad because I can not help (ASAS TIDAK ENAK HATI),
• learning that no matter what I gotta prioritize my own future and be stern about it,
• learning that in every work-related task, I should be stern with my limit and turn it into a professional circumstances,
• learning that when other expect me to be professional, I should have the courage to ask the same thing from them,
• learning that it is best to say no when I know I might not be able to cope with the high expectations, although disappointment from the other party will come afterwards,
• learning that I should have a brave heart when others give me a not-so-good treatment,
  
• learning that however perfect I might think my work is, God is involved and He has His own plan that I cannot understand but I should have faith that He has His own reason for whatever outcome and that it will lead into something good in His own time,
• learning that He is beyond my comprehension and thus I should fully rely and surrender in Him in whatever I do and never forget to pray and involve Him in my life,
• learning that I should be grateful with my journey so far and take all of the lessons as blessings to bring out my best potential
  

The clock is ticking now and something big is waiting for me. I should scratch procrastination, laziness, being upset, moddy, and whining from my vocabulary and replace all of them with all of the antonym that could be found and reach for my best future. A quantum leap is waiting and I cannot afford losing another chance... So, in summary: deadline, here I come....!!!

*sigh, what a relieve talking to you Champ. Gotta go now, got a tight schedule and please wish me the best of Luck... may God bless me and be with me to guide my steps.

You know I love you,

xoxo,

Cho


hungry mode: on, healthy diet mode: on - what an irony

Reposting: untitled

Ada sebuah rumput di teras rumahku
Hijau dengan pucuk cokelat sebesar bulir beras
Selalu menguning pada satu masa
Menghijau pada masa yang lain
Namun tidak pernah layu

Begitukah rasa sayang dan cinta?
Menguning ketika tidak ada yang bisa dicintai
Menghijau ketika rasa itu tumbuh pada seseorang yang hadir
Dan kembali menguning ketika seseorang itu pergi menjauh
Meski rasa itu tidak pernah lekang sepanjang masa

Kupalingkan pandangku pada langit malam
Berawan dan merah tanpa kehadiran sang bintang
Sesendu perasaan hati yang galau dan gundah
Sambil kuhembuskan asap
Dari batang yang membara

...

(previously posted on 11/2/08 @ 11.30 PM)

An Unexpected Turnover

When your hope is high
And something happened
And your hope is spoiled,
You'll be hurt.

I've been expecting for my second internship so bad that I really postponed everything and prepare myself for that. In the end, the HR Department told the user that in order to maintain fairness among applicants and provide a wide chance for others, an intern may not be hired twice although he/she may extend their internship period. Moreover, while prolonging the period, he/she may not switch to other department.

To make thing even worse; when my going-to-be manager explained this to me, I was already working there half day. I could say nothing. The rules is there and nothing I could do about it. I can only say "okay" and "that's fine"

After digesting the whole words I heard, sitting in front of my friend whom-I-supposed-to-replace, I felt something.... It was like my heart went down to the very bottom of the earth the gravity could suck. Yeah... felt terrible... sad... down... disappointed. I didn't know, or perhaps I've forgotten, that disappointment felt that bad.

Yeah, that feeling affects the rest of my day, up until now... One thing I learn from this, I should never fully rely on human, never put my hopes too high, and never expect too much.

It hurts...
Oh yeah, it does...
Even more when you're already so close and still so far.

A Funny Feeling

I just had my last final exam. Practically, today is my last day of the semester on campus, which means my inter-term break has been officially started from now on until September 2008.

When I left campus an hour ago, there was this funny feeling of longing and loss came altogether while I was riding my bike home. Perhaps the fact that I'm not gonna see campus, its people and environment for the next two months was the effect. Then, I realized that my final moment is coming. I'll be graduated after next semester and I will start a new after-campus-phase-kind-of life.

That means no chit-chat in class while lecture on progress, no crazy games beyond imagination with classmates, no skipping classes or stealing early breaks, no walking around campus selling sandwiches, no event organizing through club activities, no last minute studies before exams, no last minute analysis and research on projects, no more lying-to-parents-about-staying-over-at friend's-to-do-a-project while actually having-a-responsible-fun-with-them-in-a-hotel-room,
no more flirting with juniors, and the most important: no more chance to change behavior in order to be a "straight A" stud.

Sigh... To top it off, the "Everyday I Love You" song came to my ear (It has been my habit to listen to my ipod nano while riding a bike since I hate the busy sound of streets). That song provide a more inevitable mellow effect on me. Not to mention that I just recently talked to someone important in my heart before I went home. "Hey there, too bad timing did not support us. Perhaps, when timing is right, I'll be there again for you. Just keep in mind that Everyday I Love You..."

People & Life

Sometimes I could not understand about people and their way of thinking... it's not that I wanna go back to the past, but it's inevitable not to.

Sigh.... this is one of the reason, if not justification, of why I'm not yet able to go back to my Father's Mansion, esp. in the country that I live at the moment. I'm disappointed of how most of the people of the belief think, act and treat people in their daily life. I've been there with them and I (think) I know what to do and what not to do based on what the belief teaches. Call me perfectionist, call me idealist, but it's what's supposed to be done if you have the belief, right? To trust and obey the rules. Seems like most people forget the second rule.

Those kind of people can not provide forgiveness and do not believe that one may improve over time. I've tried to defeat my own emotion and to throw my anger away in handling the situation, but apparently I have to implement what my 'Wise man of the Family" has once taught me: Not to be a fool person because life is broader and greater than to focus on one problem, particularly a person that tackles your way in achieving what's best.

That leads to my second reason of why I'm not ready to go back to my Father yet. There are still some aspects of my life that still needs to be fixed, yeah because I really want it to be perfect to go back and have a deep, personal relationship with my Father. I know how it felt because I've tasted it once, but I fell and still in the process to rise. And yeah... those kind of people I mentioned above are the major barrier. I think it's better to be an Agnostic or a Heathen than to be a blasphemous , cynical yet skeptical Pharisee.