A Sigh of Relieve, A Sign of Spoil or A State of Boredom?

Hey Champ...!!!

Two weeks ago I submitted my second-attempt thesis paper, although it was due two weeks before. I was not as excited as I felt when I submitted it the first time... however, I'm grateful that I could made it.

Tomorrow is my time to defense what I wrote, yet I don't care anymore about it. I haven't even prepare and retouch my slides up 'til this very moment. I don't give a d*mn about it at all. I don't care, I don't want to care, in fact, I would probably disappear tomorrow.

But, that would only happen in my dream. I realize I can't runaway anymore. I can't postpone and prolong what should be done. I should put this to an end, I should finish it and finish it gracefully. I can't wait to move on, I can't wait to see what's waiting on the other side. I've come this far, I've climbed this high, I've worked this hard... and I just want to wrap it with a memorable bow, not only for me but for everyone who has been involved emotionally (and unemotionally) and make everyone proud, especially The One up there...

My new chapter is waiting for me as soon as I end my study. I got the job that I've been involved in the process since four months ago. I remember how bad I wanted this job, I remember I kept thinking about the job every time I go to bed, I remember how I portray myself working for that title. After that so many interviews and trial and test, I got accepted four days ago.. However, I did not feel any joy nor excitement.... And I now realize that I could not be happy for being accepted on the job I've been pursuing because I still have one more task to finish, there's a homework for me to do and that would be tomorrow!!!

Earlier upon writing this to you, Champ, I went to pick up my laundry. The owner who I referred to as "Om" asked how I'm holding up with things in my life and my family... From the conversation I had this evening with him, I received a message that I should remember my God, pray and surrender to Him. Somehow, I finally felt the need to prepare and get everything ready for tomorrow.

I will prepare as best as I could, and will not worry or expect too much. I don't wanna be disappointed for the second time. This time, I should get my expected grade and proceed the convocation. I believe I would be very happy.. a very very happy person tomorrow... I just can't wait to move on. Many opportunities are waiting for me. Yeah..

I will pray, am praying and am surrendering everything to you My Lord, Jesus

Thanks for your time Champ, talk to you next time

you know I love you,

xoxo,

Cho

Continuing Life

Hey Champ... what's up?

Again, I'm still doing my habit of leaving you off my news for quite some time.. I'm sorry. It's just I haven't found any urge to write ANYTHING and there's no driver I could find to boost up my mood to write.

Don't worry though, you're not the only one I've been abandoned. I've also been abandoning my other writing task, although it's actually urgent and important since it relates with my future. But, yeah, when I'm stucked and clouded with hatred towards the cause of my prolonged task, I became neglectful about the task and all other chores and errands and turned into such a procrastinator. What a quality I have, eh Champ? *sarcastic mode: very OONNN...

However, I still need to finish the task (no matter what) and still have to put my best-est effort to get the best grade I could achieve. Well, starting today, I'm counting down the days, hours, minutes and seconds left before another submission. Friends and foes have heard about the detailed story on this prolonged task and I can't bear telling (and even writing) the story here. It's just too much. The bottom line is, I've become a legend (whether it's good or not, it depends on the angle the viewers chose to see), I broke a record and I set the bar high (to some people).

Anyway, life goes on, I gotta continue my life despite what's been happening with me. I dare to say that mostly, I learn through a hard way in every lesson of my life:

• learning that earning a degree is not as easy as how others (who are fortunate enough) earn it; HUGE rocks and DEEP holes might come in the way,
• learning that it is best not to mix friendship with business or any work-related task just out of feeling bad because I can not help (ASAS TIDAK ENAK HATI),
• learning that no matter what I gotta prioritize my own future and be stern about it,
• learning that in every work-related task, I should be stern with my limit and turn it into a professional circumstances,
• learning that when other expect me to be professional, I should have the courage to ask the same thing from them,
• learning that it is best to say no when I know I might not be able to cope with the high expectations, although disappointment from the other party will come afterwards,
• learning that I should have a brave heart when others give me a not-so-good treatment,
  
• learning that however perfect I might think my work is, God is involved and He has His own plan that I cannot understand but I should have faith that He has His own reason for whatever outcome and that it will lead into something good in His own time,
• learning that He is beyond my comprehension and thus I should fully rely and surrender in Him in whatever I do and never forget to pray and involve Him in my life,
• learning that I should be grateful with my journey so far and take all of the lessons as blessings to bring out my best potential
  

The clock is ticking now and something big is waiting for me. I should scratch procrastination, laziness, being upset, moddy, and whining from my vocabulary and replace all of them with all of the antonym that could be found and reach for my best future. A quantum leap is waiting and I cannot afford losing another chance... So, in summary: deadline, here I come....!!!

*sigh, what a relieve talking to you Champ. Gotta go now, got a tight schedule and please wish me the best of Luck... may God bless me and be with me to guide my steps.

You know I love you,

xoxo,

Cho


hungry mode: on, healthy diet mode: on - what an irony

Another Leap

Champ...

I thought I wanna drop by quickly only to tell you that I'm now preparing myself and getting ready for something important. I'm not expecting too high nor badly.. I only wish this could be my true calling for my future... at least a steady one.

Gotta go now Champ.

You know I love you,

xoxo,

Cho

Clarity

I climbed through the mountains
The steep valleys, the rocky hills
Only to find it's not there

I walked through the forests
The lush trees, the misty air
Only to find it's not there

I walked through the deserts
The whispering sands, the stinging heat
And it's still not there

I swam through the rivers
The cold water, the wide passage
Again, it's still not there

I dove into the oceans
The deep blue sea, the enigmatic silence
And again ... (sigh) ...
It's still not there

Fought myself not to drawn, I rose
Forced myself not to collapse, I walked

Empty and longing, I breathed
Torn and shattered, I discerned

I pause ...

I surrender
I let it catch me in peace, eternally

"My Love,
here I wait
Fly me up,
to be with thee"

Back: I'm home...

I just had Indomie Kari Ayam Medan with boiled duck egg for my lunch while watching TV when I realized that I am here... yeah... I am still HERE... (where have I been actually? I myself am not sure... I think I was lost somewhere in the middle of my dream...)

So, Here I am, back to my origin state after such a wonderful ride on a roller coaster. Now I guess it's really time to go back on my duties and to think about my future. The clock is ticking and I should focus on things that would appreciate me and bring me goodness.

My thesis, my business, my college... here I come. Don't you guys miss me already? I don't... LoL... (making extra effort to start writing my thesis again).


ps. I think I'm gonna make these indulgence for my January treat. Wanna try? Seduce me to be on my guest list.. LoL

cheesy sausage noodle-pizza

banana milkshake & peanut butter cookie sandwich

Now I know...

I think I'm waaaayyy over with my melodramatic mood. I think I know why I acted that way and now I'm learning how to cope with it, how to deal with it with many helps my beloved people showed me, though perhaps they don't realize how they did it. I just feel lucky to be where I am at the moment.

I feel lucky to have people who loves me
I feel lucky to have people whom I can care about
I feel lucky to have people whom I can love
I feel lucky with the wonderful ride of my life

When I feel lucky, I feel happy
When I feel happy, all I can think of is people I care the most;
Wanting to share my happiness with them,
wanting them to feel what I feel
Though I realize I can't want them to be by my side all the time

Yeah, I think that's the essence of loving. When you love something or someone, you can't turn what you love into your possession 'coz nothing and no one wants to be possessed. Instead, you should be able to let them be free and be what they want to be, especially if they're living creatures.

Yeah, I'm so lucky...
God, please let this feeling stays
Love you...

"Do you hear me,
I'm talking to you
Across the water across the deep blue ocean
Under the open sky oh my, baby I'm trying

Boy I hear you in my dreams
I feel your whisper across the sea
I keep you with me in my heart
You make it easier when life gets hard

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again

...

They don't know how long it takes
Waiting for a love like this
Every time we say goodbye
I wish we had one more kiss
I'll wait for you I promise you, I will

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
I'm lucky we're in love in every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

And so I'm sailing through the sea
To an island where we'll meet
You'll hear the music, feel the air
I'll put a flower in your hair

Though the breezes through the trees
Move so pretty you're all I see
As the world keeps spinning 'round
You hold me right here right now"


(lyrics: Lucky by Jason Mraz & Colbie Caillat)

The Closure

Most times in our life, we are faced with issues. Some are good, some aren't. Normally, dealing with the good ones will probably results in happiness or other positive outcomes. On the other hand, dealing with the bad one will need extra effort either to solve it or leave it and move on.

On some rare occasion, there are issues which bring happiness and sadness together... for example issues regarding L-O-V-E. It could create happiness and bring someone to the 7th Heaven or Clouds#9; a funny feeling as if a butterfly spreads its wings inside your stomach.

On the other side, when the love didn't get a return, it will bring some sadness and disappointment where one should handle it carefully not to create further emotional breakdown. Facing rejection, one may grieve for a moment and move on while others may plan for another strategy to get the heart. At least, that person still hope for a chance...

The later was my experience with someone. I've been dealing with it for quite some time that I realize it's not gonna be healthy for me to hope for things I may not get. I realize I should not put my hope and expectation too high, thus I decided to get a closure.

Thank God I did that. Thank God I seek for a closure. I gain peace (after a little hurt) and am able to move on to my next chapter. I learned that closure is one important thing to seek.

"Thank you for giving me an answer. Thank you for taking care of my heart. Thank you for being you. I am glad to have you in my life. I will always care about you.... as your best friend."

A Funny Feeling

I just had my last final exam. Practically, today is my last day of the semester on campus, which means my inter-term break has been officially started from now on until September 2008.

When I left campus an hour ago, there was this funny feeling of longing and loss came altogether while I was riding my bike home. Perhaps the fact that I'm not gonna see campus, its people and environment for the next two months was the effect. Then, I realized that my final moment is coming. I'll be graduated after next semester and I will start a new after-campus-phase-kind-of life.

That means no chit-chat in class while lecture on progress, no crazy games beyond imagination with classmates, no skipping classes or stealing early breaks, no walking around campus selling sandwiches, no event organizing through club activities, no last minute studies before exams, no last minute analysis and research on projects, no more lying-to-parents-about-staying-over-at friend's-to-do-a-project while actually having-a-responsible-fun-with-them-in-a-hotel-room,
no more flirting with juniors, and the most important: no more chance to change behavior in order to be a "straight A" stud.

Sigh... To top it off, the "Everyday I Love You" song came to my ear (It has been my habit to listen to my ipod nano while riding a bike since I hate the busy sound of streets). That song provide a more inevitable mellow effect on me. Not to mention that I just recently talked to someone important in my heart before I went home. "Hey there, too bad timing did not support us. Perhaps, when timing is right, I'll be there again for you. Just keep in mind that Everyday I Love You..."

Finding the Answer

So... I've lived here for almost 3 months now, and I've made peace with my surroundings and been able to accept my condition with huge effort not to lose everything that I've achieved so far. Don't wanna spoil my chance...

Anyway....



Curious on why I post this picture? Here's the answer

2 days ago I heard from the radio that there would be an event for scouting held by proscout. I suddenly remembered my long-time desire on becoming a model (Huahahaha.... now I can laugh about it I guess...). I even took a course in 2002 in once prestigious modeling agency and school in Jakarta... (I just realized I haven't got my certificate yet...)

Okay, this agency who held the scouting event is the most well known agency in discovering new talents in the showbiz and entertainment industry for United States and all major market in the world such as Paris, Milan, Tokyo, Barcelona, etc. They are the one who discovered the new face of Estee Lauder. Now, I thought to myself that I have the opportunity to get the answer from the pro whether or not I could be in the industry, why shoudn't I go and find out?

And so I went to that event yesterday, and I found the answer: NO.... (can't you see it written on my forehead? Gosh I should've looked into the mirror before I even have the desire...), and my life goes on..... I'll just be the audience for modeling industry...

As far as I remembered, I once shared with my good, old-time friend (whom I expect she is now, though distance tear us part... although now we're only an hour away until December...) that I'm interested in the industry because of the glamorousity, fabulous life and the fame. Now, I think I can find it elsewhere if I still want to get those things in my life, but... I think I found another goal of life and that fame, glamour and the bling-bling are not included in it.

Having heard about the answer on one of my desire, now I'm curious no more and can say goodbye to it (read: modeling) and move on with my other unstoppable desire: singing.... Huahahahaha.....


ps. beachpanda... I wish we live closer too... =(

A New Challenge

In the mids of my steady and boring life, I actually found a new challenge for myself: to organize my life better.

Yep... I've been wanting to have a better way of life in many aspects: financial, health, activities, achievements, academic (since I'm still a student), music (especially singing) and perhaps my spiritual life (one other big issue).

I've been wanting to have a proportional body since I was in high school, but I could never achieved it. The same goes with my desire to become a straight-A student, or at least maintain my GPA around 3.5; but I've never make it true yet.

Well.... perhaps I'll have to make programs for every aspect I would improve... hmmm... another task...

*wishing I could improve my love life too*

current mode: tired